Kotek and the EBay Bought Sohma's
by Kyo's Kotek
Summary: Kotek tells wild and wacky tales about her and her Sohma conpanions. But are Hatori, Yuki, Kyo, and eventually Haru only a state of mind? Is she really a mental patient? Who cares! As long as it's funny!
1. Chapter 1

Ok. Well. Someone sent me an e-mail that was all like "What is up with this load of bull about buying Kyo, Hatori, and Yuki off e-bay? Do you really expect someone to buy that load of bull?" And that made me mad! I really did buy them off e-bay! And now, just to prove it, I am going to tell you the whole story in excruciating detail!

Yuki: Oh boy…

Ha'ri: Here we go again…

Kyo: Not again, Kotec…

Kotec: What's wrong with me telling the readers how you all came into my possession and about our first mishap?

Yuki: It wouldn't be so bad if you didn't tell just about everyone you meet this story.

Kotec: But… I…like…telling…this…story…

Ha'ri: Well, don't!

Kotec: Ha'ri, you're so mean! begins to sob

Kyo: Hatori, why the freaking hell did you have to make Kotec cry?

Yuki: Now she'll never stop!

Kotec: I'll stop sniffle if you let me tell sniffle the story.

Ha'ri: NO!

Kotec: Starts crying even louder

Kyo: Just let her tell the damn thing!

Yuki: Please, for the sake of our hearing!

Ha'ri: …I hate this story…

Kotec: Does that mean I can tell it!

Ha'ri: …Yes…

Kotec: Yay! See Momiji? I told you fake crying always works!

Momiji: Wow Kotec, I ought to try that on Tohru so she'll hug me!

Kotec: Ok! You go do that now! I have a story to tell!

Kyo: Just get on with the damn thing!

Kotec: Ok! Well, it all started one fateful day…

Tohru: What day was it?

Kotec: … I'm not exactly sure…I just know it was fateful… anyway…

Momiji: Where was I on this fateful day?

Kotec: …um, making out with Tohru in Kyo's closet!

Tohru: No one was supposed to know that…

Kotec: Hey, I remember what day it was! It was a week after Christmas, when my grandparents from Georgia sent me 3,000 bucks! I was all like, COOL!

Kisa: Is this a true story?

Kotec: Did you not read the beginning! What, do you people think I can just make this stuff up off the top of my head!

Hiro: Are you saying that you have no imagination? Are you saying that not a single original goes through your head? I hate people who can't even-

Kotec: And Hiro was making out with Akito because no one else loves him!

Hiro: I WAS NOT!

Kyo: Me think he doth protest too much.

Shigure: Where was I?

Kotec: You were bought off e-bay by high school super models!

Shigure: Really!

Kotec: Yes, remember, you got to stand in the changing room and tell them which bikini looked better on them?

Shigure: Oh yeah! I loved that! They used to play 'Barbie Girl' in the background and would pretend that they were walking down the runway!

Kotec: What ever happened to them?

Shigure: Their boyfriends sold me on e-bay again. Only, I was bought by Ayame!

Ayame: I now own Shigure!

Kotec: That's…

Shigure: Lucky?

Ayame: An honor?

Kotec: No. Actually, the word I'm looking for is disturbing.

Ayame: Kotec, can I buy my brother from you!

Yuki: Hides behind Kotec, whimpering in terror

Kotec: Um…no…that's ok…I'm quite content with owning your brother.

Yuki: Thank God!

Ayame: I'll throw in a free dress that has black cat ears and a black cat tail and the dress is black!

Kotec: Begins pushing Yuki towards Ayame KITTY CAT!

Yuki: You know, you could always just let Kotec keep me, and give her the dress that you did such a good job making without bribing her.

Kotec: Stops pushing Yuki He's right.

Ayame: Oh…Ok! This way my brother and Kyo can have fantasies about you!

Kotec: Please excuse me while I change into my cat costume real quick. Runs off to change

Haru: Hello.

Tohru: Hi Haru-chan! Why are you here?

Haru: I'm here to fill the silent void that would have otherwise been left until Kotec comes back.

Tohru: Oh…

Haru: So, to fill that void, I am going to reveal a secret to you all.

Tohru: Yay! I get to learn another secret!

Haru: It's about Great Teacher Mayuko!

Kyo: This ought to be good.

Haru: Great Teacher Mayuko likes-

Kotec: I'm back! How do I look?

Sohma boys: Stare and drool

Kotec: Aww, thank you!

Tohru: Kotec, I thought you were going to tell us that story…

Kotec: Oh yeah. Ok. So, it happened that fateful day that I had 3,000 bucks. Instead of being a normal teenager and going to the mall, I went on e-bay. That's where I found Kyo, Yuki, and Ha'ri for sale! I guess Akito got sick of having them around. SO, I paid 2,500 for the three guy and-

Tohru: what about the other 500 dollars?

Kotec: I was getting to that! Anyways, I spent the other 500 dollars on anime.

Kyo: still gawking Kotec, will you be my Kotec?

Kotec: I am your Kotec! That's why my pen name's Kyo's Kotec!

Kagura: KYOOOOOOOOOO! HOW COULD YOOOOOOOOOOU?

Kotec: Because I have a secret to tell you.

Kagura: Really? What!

Kotec: Your one-sided love for Kyo has officially become even more pointless.

Kagura: HOW CAN YOU BE SO MEEEEEEEEEAN?

Kotec: Because Kyo loves me.

Kagura: What makes you think that?

Kotec: The fact that I'm the all powerful Authoress who has made him fall in love with me.

Kagura: You're not all powerful!

Kotec: Yes I am! Watch! I'll make lightning strike my little brother!

lightning hits the evil one whose name we shall not speak

Kagura: Wow!

Kotec: Told you! Now, I ,as the all powerful Authoress, command you to fall in love with Hiro!

Kagura: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRO CHAN, I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE YOU!

Hiro: HELP ME!

Kotec: Nyahahahahahahaha! Now, back to the story. So, I had to go to the airport to pick up my newly bought guys and we wound up getting lost for six hours so I got to ride Kitty back most the way!

Ayame: Wow! That was the greatest story ever, Kotec!

Kotec: Wait 'til you hear about our first mishap!

Shigure: OH! Does it involve Kyo being your dirty little secret!

Kotec: O.O

Shigure: Answer me! I must know!

Kotec: I'm sorry. I was stunned by the stupidity of your question! No it did not involve anything along those lines! That was yours and Aya's first mishap!

Shigure: Oh yeah! Aya, you're still my dirty little secret, right?

Ayame: Of course, Gure-san! I won't let you sleep tonight!

Kotec: HELP ME!

Kyo: I'll save you, Kotec!

Kotec: I don't think any amount of therapy can remove those images…

Tohru: O.O

Momiji: O.O

Kotec: Well, anyways ppl that's how I bought my Sohma boys off e-bay. Next chapter I'll tell you about our first mishap!


	2. The Psychiatrist Who Didn't Believe

Kotec: Time to tell them about our first mishap!

Kyo: This story still cracks me up every time I hear it!

Yuki: It was pretty funny.

Ha'ri: Yes. It was.

Kotec: OH! Before I go on, The All Powerful Disclaimer Enforcers wanted me to tell you that I don't own Fruits Basket.

Kyo: Damn The All Powerful Disclaimer Enforcers!

Kotec: Yeah. I know. Hey, where is everyone?

Ha'ri: Damn. I have to go pick them up. Entertain the readers until I get back.

Kotec: Ok. Let's read one of Kyo's fan letters!

Dear Kyo Sohma,

Will you please, please, please, murder the …all…powerful…Authoress…and marry me?

Signed,

Kagura

Yuki: Kotec, I believe you were having trouble reading that letter..

Kotec: We will cook her and make her into… BACON!

Kyo: No, I will not murder Kotec and NO I will NEVER marry you!

Kotec: Let's read one of Yuki's fan letters!

Dear Yun-Yun,

Does your brother make your dresses? How does he feel, having a sister in denial? Why are you in denial, Yun-Yun?

Signed,

Black

Yuki: Stupid VP! I'm a boy! And I hate being called Yun-Yun!

Kyo: Let's read one of Kotec's fan letters!

Dear all powerful Authoress,

What do you have against psychiatrists! I just want to solve the mental state where you talk to three imaginary people! What's so bad about that! Why do you talk about adorable orange cats too? Why is your pen name Kyo's Kotec? What is a Kotec?

Signed,

The shrink from your first mishap.

Kotec: If I have been informed correctly, Kotec is "little cat" in Japanese. I hate shrinks because…I do! And… THEY'RE NOT IMAGINARY! P.S. about the cats,

Orange is Kyo's hair color and I love cats!

Yuki: Now what?

Kotec: Ha'ri has a fan letter! Ahem…

Dear Hatori Sohma,

The reason I am writing to you is to inform you that your bill to our establishment has now totaled to $479.95. Please pay this as soon as possible. Thank you.

Signed,

The manager

Kyo: HAHAHAHAHA! Hatori doesn't have any fan mail! All he gets is bills! That's funny!

Ha'ri: Hits Kyo upside the head I had them sent to another address after receiving several that are too inappropriate for the readers to read.

Kotec: Ha'ri, I don't have another address…

Ha'ri: I know. I had it sent to some random guy in Kentucky. Sorry random guy in Kentucky but it was for the safety of the readers.

Kotec: O.O

Tohru: Hi Kotec!

Momiji: Hallo!

Kotec: Hello!

Kisa: Um…Kotec-onee-chan, you're going to tell another story, right?

Kotec: That's ri- wait! Did you call me 'Kotec-onee-chan'?

Kisa: nods

Kotec: Awwwww! That's so cute! hugs Kisa

Hiro: Not another one!

Kotec: Don't worry Hiro; I understand that you L-O-V-E Kisa and wish to spend all your time with her!

Kisa: Really Hiro-chan?

Hiro: Um... I...

Kisa: Oh, Hiro-chan! hugs Hiro

Kotec: There. I should be a matchmaker!

Kyo: uh, no. You shouldn't.

Kotec: But…why…

Yuki: It might cause mass chaos. I mean, look who you're dating.

Kyo: You damn rat!

Kotec: Hey! I as the All Powerful Authoress command Yuki and Kyo to get along with each other!

Kyo: I'm sorry Yuki! I'll stop yelling at you all the time!

Yuki: I'm sorry too! I'll stop calling you stupid from now on!

Kyo/Yuki: hug

Tohru: O.O

Kotec: I am the All Powerful Authoress!

Kyo: That's nice. Can we be normal again?

Kotec: Yes. You're actually kinda scaring me.

Kyo: Let go of me you damn rat!

Yuki: Gladly, stupid cat!

Kyo/Yuki: stop hugging

Tohru: That was scary…

Momiji: nods

Kyo: Hey, Kotec, where's the dress that you were wearing last chapter? It looked really good on you.

Ayame: Yes, Kotec, where is it?

Kotec: I'll go put it on! runs off

Haru: Ok. Now, about tha secret…

Uo: Tell it already!

Mayuko: Yes, tell it.

Haru: ok. Great Teacher May…uko…why are you here!

Mayuko: Just tell the secret!

Haru: Are you sure?

Mayuko: Yes.

Haru: Ok. Great Teacher Mayuko likes Ha-

Mayuko: NEVERMIND!

Ayame: Who?

Shigure: I know!

Mayuko: Shut up! All of you!

Kotec: Hi! I'm back! What are we discussing?

Haru: Who Great Teacher Mayuko likes.

Kotec: Oh. You mean she told Hatori then? YAY!

Ha'ri: What?

Mayuko: blushes and runs away

Kyo: Kotec, will you be my Kotec?

Kotec: I told you last chapter; I am your Kotec!

Ha'ri: Kotec, Story!

Kotec: Oh yeah. Ok. Well-

Mom: (Bleeping out real name) Are you talking to yourself again?

Kotec: I TOLD YOU TO CALL ME KOTEC! NOW MY ALL POWERFUL AUTHORESS SELF WILL HAVE THE EVIL ONE WHOSE NAME WE SHALL NOT SPEAK STRUCK BY LIGHTNING AGAIN!

Mom: Whatever.

Kotec: Anyways, one day I was carrying on a conversation with Ha'ri, Kyo, and Yuki when my mom, dad, and little brother broke down my locked bedroom door (again) to see who I was talking to. For some reason they couldn't see my e-bay bought boys so they sent me to…a psychiatrist!

Tohru: What happened next?

Shigure: Psychiatrists can be helpful.

Ha'ri: Not this one.

Kotec: Ahem!

Shigure: Sorry. Please continue!

Kotec: Well, they took me to a psychiatrist's office and Kyo, Yuki, and Ha'ri came along. Then, they left me there for seven hours! So, we had to wait like, ten minutes for the psychiatrist to come in. So, we started talking about a movie we had watched. The psychiatrist came in during the conversation. I hate being interrupted. Well she-

Kyo: I'm interrupting you!

Kotec: No codfish for a month!

Kyo: What! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Kotec: Ok you can have codfish.

Kyo: I LOVE YOU!

Tohru: O.O

Momiji: O.O

Kyo: I didn't mean that…

Kotec: starts crying Kyo doesn't love me!

Kyo: Yes I do! Shit! I mean…

Kotec: Stops crying YAY! HE LOVES ME!

Kyo: I'm going to shut up now…

Kotec: Well, anyways…

Begin flashback

Psychiatrist: Well miss (bleep out real name), how are you?

Kotec: I CHANGED MY NAME TO KOTEC!

Psychiatrist: Why?

Kotec: Because I'm Kyo's Kotec!

Psychiatrist???

Kotec: Do you have a laptop with wireless internet I can have?

Psychiatrist: I only have mine.

Kotec: I, the All Powerful Authoress,demand that you give it to me!

Psychiatrist: Here. You can have it.

Kotec: Thank you. Goes onto fanfiction

Psychiatrist: What are you doing?

Kotec: Checking my reviews.

Psychiatrist: I see…

Ha'ri: Kotec…

Kotec: Oh man! No reviews!

Ha'ri: You have to write a story to get reviews.

Kotec: I do?

Yuki: Yeah.

Kyo: Even I knew that!

Kotec: Yeah right!

Kyo: I DID!

Psychiatrist: Kotec, who are you talking to?

Kotec: Shut up! I'm checking my mail!

Kyo: Did you get any?

Kotec: Yes! Here's one for Yuki! Listen!

Dear Prince Yuki Sohma,

WE LOVE YOU!

Signed,

The Yuki Sohma fan club

Yuki: I'm disturbed.

Kyo: Ha! At least I didn't get one!

Kotec: Don't be so sure! Listen!

Dear Prince Kyo Sohma,

WE LOVE YOU!

Signed,

The Kyo Sohma fan club

Yuki: Ha!

Kotec: Hey! Kyo's mine!

Kyo: I am?

Kotec: Yes! I bought you off e-bay didn't I?

Kyo: Well, yeah…

Kotec: That shows I love you but I won't hurt you like Kagura! Plus, we have really close personalities except when I've had sugar.

Kyo: oh. Ok. I'll date you if you want me that bad.

Kotec: YAY!

Psychiatrist: Kotec, who are you talking to?

Kotec: Whoever I feel like talking to!

Psychiatrist: Kotec, it seems to me that you are feeling lonely and so you have made up some people to talk to and hang out with because you feel so lonely. Now, the first thing you need to do is admit that you're lonely.

Kyo: That's a load of shit!

Kotec: Screw you, psychiatrist!

Yuki: This doesn't sound to good…

Psychiatrist: Well then, why don't you tell me about the people you're talking to?

Kotec: Ok! Well, first there's Kyo! He's my boyfriend and a bit violent. He has trouble controlling his temper. But he's really sweet deep down inside. All he really wants is for someone to truly accept him for who he is. He's 16 by the way.

Yuki: Wow, maybe you should be a psychiatrist Kotec.

Kotec: Nah. I don't care to much for psychiatrists.

Psychiatrist: When did you meet Kyo?

Kotec: Right after I bought him off e-bay.

Psychiatrist: I see. Well, who else is there?

Kotec: Well, next there's Yuki. Yuki is pretty much Prince Charming. He's the guy that every girl dreams about. But he's also insecure about himself. He doesn't realize how much people care about him.

Psychiatrist: Really?

Kotec: Yup. But he also is willing to try to make it through life and accept himself.

Psychiatrist: Sounds like he's had a hard life but is doing his best to make up for it.

Kotec: I have something he said once written down somewhere. It's kinda like my inspiration. Let me find it…

Psychiatrist: Ok.

Kotec: Here it is! Alright, it says:

What Yuki had said: There was a time…when I stopped talking. Just like you. My reasons…were a little bit different…but… I think the feelings of being ashamed of myself and hating myself…are the same. Here…it says to 'like yourself'. What does that mean? Good things—how are you supposed to find them? I only know things I hate about myself. Because that's all I know, I hate myself. I think…when you hear someone say they like you, for the first time…then you can begin to like yourself. I think when someone accepts you, for the first time…you feel like you can…forgive yourself a little. You can begin to face your fears…with courage. Let's try our best. I'll try too.

Yuki: Did you have to read that?

Kotec: Yes. You inspire me to do my best Yuki-kun. You know I've had a hard time too. Yuki's 16 too.

Yuki: True.

Psychiatrist: Is there anyone else?

Kotec: Yes. Hatori. He's 27 and a doctor. He's a really cool person even though he seems like an anti-social person on the outside. Hatori had a sad experience with love so he's completely given up on it himself and has decided to watch over Kyo and Yuki's in hopes that they won't make the same mistakes he did.

Psychiatrist: Really? What happened to him?

Kotec: I'm not aloud to tell.

Psychiatrist: I see.

Kotec: Can I leave yet?

Psychiatrist: No. You're not aloud to leave until your pathetic self stops making people up to talk to!

Ha'ri: Did she just call you pathetic?

Kotec: I believe she did.

Kyo: I'm gonna kill her! No one talks about Kotec that way except us!

Kotec: Um, miss psychiatrist…run!

End flashback

Tohru: What happened next?

Kotec: Kyo beat her to a bloody pulp.

Kyo: nods

Shigure: She must have been really scared!

Kotec: She was

Ha'ri: There's a moral to this story.

Yuki: Don't mess with Kotec…

Kyo: Or we'll kick your ass!

Tohru: Wait! You said this story was funny. How was it funny?

Ha'ri: Because the psychiatrist got beat up by something she didn't believe existed.

Kotec: Well, thus concludes our first mishap. Next chapter I'll tell you about the time Kyo and I went grocery shopping!


End file.
